Sex in The Church

Sex in the Church

We as Jesus Followers and as The Church need to change the way we talk about sex in the church. It should NOT be a taboo subject.

There was an article written some time ago called, “Why I Waited Till My Wedding Night to Lose My Virginity and Wish I Hadn’t.” To sum up the article, the woman writing it says that she wished she wouldn’t have waited until marriage to have sex because when she had it, she felt shameful and guilty. Reading the article broke my heart. Between reading it and having conversations with friends about how their parents and churches talked about sex, it stirred in me the desire to help change the way a lot of the church deals with the topic of sex.

Something I see in the church is that people either talk about sex hush-hush or they just refuse to talk about it at all. Sex is not a topic to be discussed with blushing or with shame. Again, it was God created for within the marriage, so in that context, how can it be anything but beautiful?

Kids/Youth and Sex

I have worked with kids and teens for 8+ years, and kids ask questions. One time at the daycare I worked at, one of my nine year olds ask me “How do people have babies?” I had no idea what her parents’ views are so I told her, “That’s a talk you need to have with your parents.” A few weeks later, she was back asking me. I said, “Did you ask your parents?” To which she replied, “Yes, but they wouldn’t tell me. I just want to know, can you please tell me?” I told her, “Why do you want to know?” And she said, “Because I heard of nine year olds in other countries having babies and I wanted to know how they got there.” I couldn’t answer her questions without her parents’ permission.

The facts:

Power to Change – “The Birds and the Bees”

“The May 2005 issue of Cosmo Girl, a popular magazine among teen and pre-teen girls, published the results of a 70,000 person study on the sexual behavior of youth. Consider some of the findings:

• 69% of young people think that sex before marriage is okay
• The average age at which teens lose their virginity is 15
• 39% of teens have engaged in oral sex”

University of Michigan –“Television and Children”

“Most parents don't talk to their kids about sex and relationships, birth control and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Most schools do not offer complete sex education programs. So kids get much of their information about sex from TV.

• Kids are probably not learning what their parents would like them to learn about sex from TV.
• Sexual content is a real presence on TV.  Soap operas, music videos, prime time shows and advertisements all contain lots of sexual content, but usually nothing about contraception or safer sex. The number of sex scenes on TV has nearly doubled since 1998, with 70% of the top 20 most-watched shows by teens including sexual content [53].  Fifteen percent of scenes with sexual intercourse depict characters that have just met having sex.  Of the shows with sexual content, an average of five scenes per hour involves sex.
• Watching sex on TV increases the chances a teen will have sex, and may cause teens to start having sex at younger ages.  Even viewing shows with characters talking about sex increases the likelihood of sexual initiation [54].  (Read more about this study.)
• Watching sexual content on TV is linked to becoming pregnant or being responsible for a pregnancy.  Researchers found that even after controlling for other risk factors, the chance of teen pregnancy went up with more exposure to sex on television [55].
• On the flip side, TV has the potential to both educate teens, and foster discussion with parents.  Watch with your kids, and use the sexual content on TV as a jumping-off point to talk with your teen about sex, responsible behavior and safety.”

On many parenting sites, it recommends that instead of having “one big talk”, explain the basics and then give answers as questions are asked. If you don’t tell your kids and have open discussions, they will find out. And I don’t think you want them typing in “Sex” on Google. They will not only learn about it through school, friends, TV, etc., but undoubtedly at some point they will learn about it from the way the world views it. That it’s okay with anyone you “love.” That homosexuality is natural. That oral sex isn’t “really sex” so “it’s okay to do.” Too late you will wish that you had talked to them about Godly views first and explained to them that it is a beautiful thing in marriage, but that it’s not just to give to people outside the marriage covenant.

I was so fortunate to have parents who were open. Not disgustingly open, but open enough that we never had to feel shame when being curious about sex. Whereas some of my friends were told, “do not talk about that.”

When working with kids and youth, I want them to be able to come to me or other leaders if they are struggling or having questions about sex, temptation, and anything else they need.

Adults and Sex

Dating and engaged couples need to be able to meet with people who will hold them accountable in a frank and honest way instead of making them feel like their desires are wrong.

Married couples that are struggling in their sex lives need to be able to talk openly without feeling shame.

I found some wonderful articles/sites if you would like to read more:

“5 Reasons the Church Won’t Talk about Sex” - http://intimacyinmarriage.com/2014/02/20/5-reasons-the-church-wont-talk-authentically-about-sex/

“Christians, Stop Staying Pure Till Marriage” - http://sarahisawriter.tumblr.com/post/105152515930/christians-stop-staying-pure-till-marriage

Jennifer Smith of Unveiled Wife has a wonderful blog - http://unveiledwife.com/

“Ten Reasons Every Mom Must Talk to Her Daughter about Sex” - http://purefreedom.org/ten-reasons-every-mom-must-talk-about-sex/

If sex was as insignificant and trivialized as the media and world make it seem, God wouldn’t have inspired Solomon to write Song of Solomon. The Bible wouldn’t include passages like the following two:

Proverbs 5:15-21

“Enjoy Marriage

Drink water from your own cistern,

water flowing from your own well.

Should your springs flow in the streets,

streams of water in the public squares?

They should be for you alone

and not for you to share with strangers.

Let your fountain be blessed,

and take pleasure in the wife of your youth.

A loving doe, a graceful fawn—

let her breasts always satisfy you;

be lost in her love forever.

Why, my son, would you be infatuated

with a forbidden woman

or embrace the breast of a stranger?

For a man’s ways are before the Lord’s eyes,

and He considers all his paths.”

1 Corinthians 7:1-7

“Principles of Marriage

Now in response to the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have relations with a woman.” But because sexual immorality is so common, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. A husband should fulfill his marital responsibility to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. Do not deprive one another sexually—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say the following as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all people were just like me. But each has his own gift from God, one person in this way and another in that way.”

We as The Church need to be willing to talk about sex. We need to be open and authentic instead of taking something beautiful God-made and spitting on it by treating it as something shameful. When I'm dating/engaged, I want to be able to openly discuss and talk about my desires, and be held accountable on my actions. I want the people in my church, and wherever I go, to have happy and fulfilling marriages. I want the kids I work with to be able to come to me and ask questions and get truth. I want The Church to get over whatever the taboo is and I want them to talk about sex. 

**Side Note: I believe God created sex for the marriage covenant. I also don't think that every Jesus follower or church is shy about sex, it's just a general attitude I've seen.**

Sources for the facts:

“Birds and the Bees” by Power to Change http://powertochange.com/family/talkkids/

“Television and Children” by University of Michigan http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/tv.htm