I like being prepared and having everything ready for when I need it. In college, I'd go to advisor meetings with the classes I was taking next all mapped out. I create schedules and lists to organize my work and daily lives, knowing exactly where I need to be each day. I read self-help books and talk to mentors to try to be the best version of myself and to keep growing and living. I work hard and I travel and I adhere to a budget as much as possible.
And yet, now I'm facing "wife life" in a few months and as much as I'm trying to prepare for all the transitions coming up - getting married, meshing mine and Luis's lives and goals together, learning how to communicate, moving to a new city, finding and getting a new job, looking for houses, and every other upcoming transition - I start to panic. Every other day, it all bubbles up into tears and crying as I try to process everything, and panicked texts sent to close friends. It's a mess of untangling emotions and learning how to trust deeply and checking things off of to-do lists.
Most days lately, I feel totally abnormal, all alone in my processing and trying to figure things out by comparing my relationship with Luis to other people in attempts to gain some semblance of what I'm doing. As we all know, comparison isn't healthy and just creates more stress.
Last week I came to several conclusions after about driving myself crazy with overprocessing.
- As much as I try to prepare for marriage, there are some things that are just learned as I walk out the journey with Luis.
- I am horrible at giving myself grace and need to keep practicing it and not expecting perfection from myself or others.
- Control is a comfortable place for me, even if it's just a facade.
For some reason, as much as I say the mantras "trust the process" and "all is well, and all will be well" to myself, they don't sink into my head and heart very well.
What is the root of all of this? I ask myself.
Fear. Fear that I will get hurt. Fear that I will hurt Luis and he will stop loving me. Fear that I will make an irreparable mistake. Fear that I will never learn what I need to. Fear fear fear. And I hate it!
So, here is how I'm learning to combat fear and control in this process:
- praying and reading the Bible
- being vulnerable and sharing how I feel
- moving forward in spite of fears
- trusting and surrendering
- having conversations with people I trust so I can process
- saying "no" to things that keep me too busy to process
- practicing gratefulness
- laughing at the messiness of life
- seeking wisdom as I read books and listen to podcasts
- Ultimately, "When I am afraid, I put my trust in You." - Psalm 56:3
There is a wonderful quote by William Leal that I just love and it says, "It's all messy. The hair. The bed. The heart. Life"
It's true, it is. At least in my life. And just when I'm trying to have it all together as I sip coffee and chat with my friend Elisa, I drop my donut and spill crumbs everywhere, then when I'm trying to cut it, my fork snaps. And just when I'm all sappy and lovey with Luis, we have a conversation about something and I start to cry from all my internal emotions. And often, I look in the mirror in the morning and my hair is poking out despite my best attempts to fix it and a pimple is sprouting on my face, and I have a choice to make - will I live my day stressed out and worried about what may happen, or do I smile and face the day whatever it may hold?
I don't like messiness - I like closure, and nicely wrapped bows to end conversations, and knowing that I am still loved despite my fears and flaws. But life is messy and full of choices and feelings and forgiveness and walking even when fearful.
So I, as do we all, have a choice to make. Do we live in the past, reliving choices and things that happened? Do we live in the future - fearing what could happen or dreaming but not working towards it? Or do we live in real time - here and now - loving, walking, growing, learning?
I want to live in real time. I choose to love fully, and be vulnerable, and process, and learn how to be a good wife to Luis, and love Jesus. Why? Because I want a full life of love, mercy, and grace. I want to marry and grow old with Luis - loving each other and being a team as we take on all that life has to offer us. I want to learn how to trust Jesus more completely.
"Life in real time is messy and the fingerprints of God are often invisible until you look at them in the rearview mirror." - Levi Lusko
Reflection Questions:
- What are the areas you hold control in?
- What are areas that feel out of control?
- What are you afraid of?
- How do you combat fear?
- Is it worth it to you to live in "real time"?
- Are you willing to live a messy life?
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