Shame & Storytelling

(Me as a 4 or 5 year old ballerina)

In my black leotard and pink tulle skirt, I stood at the barre waiting for class to start. I had always loved slipping on my ballet shoes, putting a pretty ribbon around my neat bun, and to twirl and plié in class and around the house.

Until one day my ballet teacher, all angles and pointed teeth and sharp features, told me that my feet were too big and I'd never have a dancer's body. That moment stole all my joy for ballet, and in joy's place, shame crept in. At 9 years old, I didn't want to grow up and be a professional ballerina; I just loved to dance. Soon after I quit ballet as my love of dancing become overshadowed by my pointed out imperfections and a growing insecurity.

Oh, I still danced in different ways, trying out tap and lyrical dancing, and learning how to choreograph my own pieces but the shame remained a heavy cloud over me.

Growing up I vacillated between being jealous of my athletic siblings and that I didn't have a chance to become athletic, and disgust at myself when I looked in the mirror. These thought patterns carried over into my adult life and just now am I trying to undo the lies spoken over me and speaking truth over the lies that I spoke over myself - "I'm never going to be as disciplined as _______." "I don't have endurance and I never will, so I should just give up now." "I'm too fat, tall, big-footed, clumsy, awkward, _______." and many more lies.

These days I'm reminding myself I get better at things one step at a time. But when it comes to athletic things, I have to fight extra hard because of the mental battle I feel about wanting to give up before I fail yet again. One hike at a time to make my calf muscles stronger. One plank at a time to make my back and core stronger. One set of arm weight reps to build my triceps and biceps muscles. One barre workout at a time to rediscover my love of ballet again. One workout at a time to overcome the mental battle of "I can't."  Daily I make the intentional choice to fight back shame and speak truth over myself. It's a grace-filled, hard process as I learn and grow and practice.

I don't tell this story for pity, but to show you the depth that shame can torment us (and often we don't even realize that's what it is!), the intentional action to get rid of it, and to demonstrate the life and death our words can speak over people. My battle may be with my body image and athletic skills, but most people have something that shame has tried to destroy.

Shame.

It whispers the lies and lays the blame all on you. It says You failed before and you'll fail again and why even bother trying? Shame looks at you in the mirror and its silver tongue confirms your worst fears Ugly, disgusting, lazy, unlovable, worthless. Shame screams You are an embarrassment, and so foolish to believe that you will change. Shame is fulfilled most when you don't even try and you curl up and hide. And in a lot of ways, shame is just another version of pride - the pity party, poor me version.

We get rid of shame by going back to the root of it and then we fight back, intentionally and with confidence.

For me the root of shame was the words my ballet teacher spoke over me. Until I faced the damage that those words had caused, I couldn't start repairing it.

To fight back we take daily action. We show up and do our best. We learn to laugh and grow confidence. We learn to embrace who the Creator made us to be, and we learn what our role is in keeping our mind, body, and spirit healthy.

True confidence says, "This is who I am. I'm me and I'm choosing to show up and be the best that I can be. I'm taking the time to learn and get better at things. I know that I will make mistakes and I will practice laughing it off and trying again. I learn how to use failures to my advantage. I know the truth even when my feelings betray me and I alone can make the choice to speak life and truth over myself."

As I walk out this process, I am reminded ever so often of the value words have. I remember words spoken over me that cut me deeply and embedded themselves in my psyche, and I remember healing and kind and empowering words spoken over me that helped me to flourish and grow. These words were spoken both when I was a child until now. I remember them, and I want to be one of the people that wields words wisely. That I use words to build up and encourage and challenge people in the best way.

Luis always tells me that I treat kids with the same respect I treat adults with, and that is the biggest compliment to me. I want to be the person that encourages kids to dream big and work hard. I want to be the person that other people enjoy being around because I speak life and demonstrate loyalty.

So my challenge questions to you are -

• Are there any shame spots that you need to evaluate and deal with? Words spoken that you need to forgive someone for and then do damage control to gain freedom in your own life? 

• How do you show true confidence in your daily life? In the areas that you struggle to show it, how can you keep showing up and growing it? 

• Do you speak life into other people? Have you learned how to control your emotions so that you don't speak things rashly over people? 

In case you were wondering, I still love to dance. I love getting out on the dance floor at weddings now and laugh and dance with loved ones. Marrying into the Latino culture has been a blast as I learn how to Salsa and Bachata dance with Luis and our friends. (I'm still working on the hip shaking component 😏). I appreciate that dancing has been redeemed for me, and in the moments that the shame comes back, I squash it with my dancing feet.

Brené Brown has done some AMAZING work on shame and vulnerability and I'll leave you with this quote -
"Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it - it can't survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. When we bury our story, shame metastasizes."

Tell your story.