There is space to hold both tension and grace simultaneously.
They do not discount or negate each other. They dance and birth action. Both hold accountable and extend forgiveness.
That is the lesson I have been learning for a few weeks.
George Floyd's recent death was just another peeled back layer of the racial disparities that have plagued our nation. The tension grew all week, a rising swell of generations of pain, frustration, anger, and trauma. Conversations, and opinions, and social media posts and protests swirled in and out and all around. Grieving, and seeking solutions. Prayers, and self-reflection. Fighting for change.
I finished the school year last week. Like a car running on its last few drops of gas, I sputtered across that finish line with my last few drops of motivation. Don't get me wrong, my kids were a lot of fun this year and I'm so thankful for my job; but between learning new schools and districts, a major event that rocked the district, and quarantine + moving everything to distance learning, it felt like one shake-up after another so I was more than ready for summer.
My elation of reaching summer got cut short later in the day when I read a message from someone that hurt my feelings. Conflict doesn't sit well with me if I can avoid it or deal with it quickly, and unexpected conflict is an even harder pill to swallow, and so I tried to process my feelings well, deal with it gracefully and humbly, and move on not holding grudges or resentment in my heart. Grace, grace, and more grace.
But another huge blessing is our next door neighbors. Right after I was crying in the kitchen from the message, Luis and I were invited by our neighbor's son to go watch him launch a homemade rocket at the park. The park walk was perfect to talk and pray with my neighbor about the situation. In the midst of the conversation, the rocket launched successfully and we all cheered!
Despite my long list of chores to do around the house, I gave myself grace and slept in the following day. The rest was much needed. I went grocery shopping (people encounters at Aldi literally make me smile every time I go there). When I came home, I shoved fruits and veggies into my fridge and invited some of my neighbor kiddos over to bake cookies and work in the kitchen with me. It was so fun to bake cookies and cut watermelon and play games on our living room floor. If you know anything about me personally, you will know that I love being around children. They are such a gift.
And talking about neighbors - I love our block. Porch waves and discussions. Thank you donuts from another neighbor and her little girl. Several pounds of ground beef from another neighbor. Playing ball in the yard with the kids + supplying a toy box. Working together with another neighbor to catch her table and umbrella in the middle of a storm. All different amounts of melanin, ethnicities, and beliefs, but all placed in the neighborhood for a reason.
There were major thunderstorms the past few days, 60-70 mile per hour winds, drenching rains, and flash flood warnings. I sat on the porch watching the first one as it blew trees and trashcans around. I love thunderstorms because they remind me of the Bible verses in Psalm 18 that talk about the Lord's voice thundering in the heavens. Storms continued off and on for the next few days, seemingly indicative of the all of the unrest. Friday night, the City of Reading held a candlelight vigil. Luis, our niece, and I did the one mile walk from our home to City Park where we sang worship songs, listened to community leaders speak and pray, and spent time uniting with the community. We thought the rain would hold off, but right as it started a steady rain started flowing down. It didn't stop the words and worship and love from flowing. Umbrellas popped up and the event continued. Afterwards, we walked home with soaked shoes and a loaned umbrella from our pastor. We spontaneously invited friends over who had also attended the event and over hot tea and conversations, we celebrated our county slightly easing social restrictions.
Saturday morning, we got up early and went yardsaling with our niece. On the way home, we saw 2 ladies by a broken down car on the side of the road on the opposite side of the highway. Luis looked at me and said, "I saw them there earlier and they are still there. We need to stop and help." So we turned around and went back. They said they had been there about 45 minutes and no one had stopped. It was 90 degrees out, we were all dripping sweat as we tried to figure out the car issues. We weren't able to fix the car, but we were able to drive them home (about an hour and a half from where we were) and talk with them and learn their stories. I was able to make a tiny little boy gut-laugh and feed him french fries as he wore my watch. We made new friends that day - because we were moved to action.
This week, my friend Emma wrote a beautiful piece called Dr. King’s Birmingham Letter Might Be Exactly What America Needs Right Now (https://www.lightworkers.com/dr-kings-birmingham-letter/?fbclid=IwAR2wOAc5qiDibUUjokIGZxCCt_iUBHYQezupRObQoHmPzldzwq-Yv_nt8l4). She references Socrates and Dr. King's thoughts on tension and how it stirs us to action.
So often I view tension in a negative light. I'm learning that tension is more like a check engine light - something needs closely looked at. Maybe it's a slight adjustment or a tightening of an internal valve. But maybe it's deeper than that - a persistent warning that there needs to be change. Maybe as our stomachs tighten up with emotions and our minds race with thoughts and questions, tension is what it takes to get us to take action.
Jesus,
Help us embrace both tension and grace.
Teach us to sit quietly in the tension.
Stir up our minds and bodies to learn and challenge and grow.
Guide us to seek understanding and love with humility.
Open our eyes to those around us.
Whisper wisdom and discernment in our ears as we have hard and awkward conversations.
Give us courage and endurance for the journey.
And Jesus, cover it all with the grace you give us daily.
Amen.
Candlelight Vigil in the Park
South American food after yardsaling!
Games with the neighbors
Last minute work things
"Thank you" donut
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