I'm not sure if you've noticed it by now, but people LOVE to give advice; I'd say even more so now that I'm a mom, but really in general. One of the things I hear is "motherhood is so hard and demanding." They said things like "It will be the end of yourself and your whole world will be your children. You won't be able to travel as much. Good luck ever getting time alone, showers, feeling like yourself, your body back.." ..and on and on the list went.
But, just like I don't take marriage advice from people miserable in their marriages, I don't take parenting advice from bitter and/or misinformed parents. I don't live in a rose-colored world of perfection, however, I believe that we can learn to frame our lives and all they contain in a way that brings honor to God, ourselves, and the people around us.
First and foremost: "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him." - Psalm 127:3
What the advice-givers got wrong was that the demands of motherhood weren't a big, scary, imposing threat to my life as I knew it, trapping me into a vortex of no going back and unhappiness. Instead, those demands were promises of living intentionally, guides to laying aside selfishness, and opportunities for growth in my soul, spirit, and body. The reward is the delight children are and bring and the privilege to guide them into whole, healthy, and righteous living.
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Being a mom demands that I deal with my insecurities if I want to raise emotionally healthy children. For me, that often looks like physical insecurities. Put on the swimsuit and go play with your babies, the voice whispers. Stop staring at your thighs and give thanks for their strength and mobility. My daughter will learn about how to view her body from me. Do I want to always be complaining about how I look, my weight, or all my imperfections, thus teaching her that no matter what she does, she isn't good enough? Or do I want to move my body well through hiking & exercise, eat balanced meals, and demonstrate that our bodies are worth taking care of to the best of our abilities, and above all accepting that my body is a good gift from the Lord?
We are called to deal with our junk and grow in righteousness and emotional health. We model for our children what this looks like, and our responses shape their responses.
This can look like-
- Practicing gentleness: "Hot tempers start fights; a calm, cool spirit keeps the peace." - Proverbs 15:18 (MSG)
- Stepping away from an emotionally charged situation to gather ourselves before addressing it.
- Calmly guiding our children through conflict.
- Asking for forgiveness from our kids, spouse, and others when we are in the wrong.
- Boundary setting: "Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil." - Matthew 5:37 (ESV)
- Taking time to evaluate before committing to a decision.
- Not overscheduling yourself or your family.
- Making a decision and then sticking with it even when other people question it (and not apologizing for it!)
- Dealing with fear and anxiety: "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." - 2 Timothy 1:7
- Acknowledging what-ifs and worst-case scenarios and then moving on from them.
- Taking action even when afraid. We were made to do hard things, and our kids watch how we navigate uncertainty.
- Resetting our focus on the truth - "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." - Philippians 4:8
Being a mom demands that I use my time intentionally because I have a limited amount of it. Sometimes that means snuggle parties and resting in bed and "sleeping when the baby sleeps". Sometimes it means packing the snacks and water and a picnic blanket and trekking out to the park or on an adventure. Sometimes it means teaching my children creativity and imagination through solo play while I work on other projects or tasks. Sometimes it means meeting new moms and kids to form friendships.
We are given time to guide and grow our kids. We don't have forever. In order to use our time well, we MUST communicate. We must communicate with our husbands (and release them to parent differently than us!) We must communicate with our family and friends when we struggle to add another thing to the schedule, or we adjust plans, or are late to something because it's just too much for our kids.
Being a mom demands that I have a growth mindset. Just like I want my children to develop creativity and skills as they grow, I have the opportunity to keep growing and learning and changing.
I've been practicing putting my phone somewhere else and reading a book while I breastfeed instead of mindlessly scrolling social media. Other times, book aside, I try to soak in the sweet moments with my girl - watching her little mouth drink, her hand gently move over my chest and shoulder, her soft hair, her alert brown eyes. I've been working on cultivating small habits and growing new habits slowly.
We can't do it all. That is a lie. But what we can do? Small things, one step at a time.
Being a mom demands that I let go of things that don't matter. The extra messes. Being late to places because the baby needed nursed or I had to change outfits last minute. Expectations. The way every mom does things differently. Social media pressure. I can change my mind about what works best for my family. I can guide myself into new adventures alongside my kids. I can gently hold boundaries I have set for my family.
A perfect example of this in my life - cloth diapers. I wanted to cloth diaper. I have the cloth diapers. I explored the steps and gleaned information from Facebook pages. But you know what? It did not become the priority with Jael because of being on the road so much and not having a good system for cleaning in place and so I ended up not doing it. Does this mean I never will? No, I don't know what down the road holds. But guess what? It's okay that I changed my mind for what worked best for our family at this time.
We are allowed to change our minds. We are allowed to wing it as we go. We have the freedom to choose our family values and then make choices to support them. It does not have to (and will not) look like other peoples' lives.
Being a mom demands that I embrace all of the emotions. The heart-wrenching squeeze of my heart as my kid screams after she got her fingers tangled in her hair accidentally. The sweet baby hand gently rubbing my chest and shoulder as I nurse. The delight in her little coos and smiles at me. The excitement at watching her learn how to interact with new environments, people, and toys. The frustration as she is screaming and I can't figure out why. All of the things, and it is good and wonderful and hard.
Being a mom demands that I see people, places, and events with new eyes. I'm so excited for my baby girl's first Christmas. She will be 8 months old, the perfect age for exploring and delighting. I can't wait to watch her play with Christmas paper and bows and read Christmas books to her while we snuggle up in our jammies.
That's the beautiful thing about being around children, they give us new eyes and wonder. When we see things with wonder, we are able to see hope and light around us and to spread that to other people. Gratefulness starts to inhabit our hearts as we appreciate the ordinary magic. We learn how to celebrate simple things, like a baby learning how to grab her crinkle toy, or a toddler exploring in a creek. This gratitude, wonder, and celebration spill over into all aspects of our lives, if we make room for it in the first place.
"Make room for child-like wonder, be in awe of the little things." - Morgan Harper Nichols
But most of being a mom demands that I give grace to myself and everyone else. There is nothing like feeling on top of a morning, when all of a sudden, the first domino crashes. The baby starts crying. You pause whatever you are doing to nurse. A poop explosion. And as fast as you were on top of the morning, you got hit with the wave. And all you can do is stop struggling and ride the wave above to a fresh breath of air. And as you feed the baby, and clean the baby, and possibly change your clothes to rid yourself of baby fluids, laughter fills your heart and mind and you refocus back on what matters - loving that baby and loving yourself.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26
No more, no less, just God-given grace for the day.
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There are demands in motherhood. No doubt about it. But when we learn to frame our lives in a holy perspective, we learn how to embrace the daily demands as gifts.
One of the most impactful verses to me is Matthew 16:24 - "Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
This isn't talking about a shallow martyr-mindset of "poor me" and apathy. Instead, denying ourselves is a call to obedience. As we follow the Holy Spirit's whispers in our lives, we allow ourselves to be guided. As mothers, this impacts how we guide our kids. This self-denial demands holiness and grace from us and gives us the best gifts - a closer relationship with Jesus, a more fulfilling motherhood, and an increasingly grace-filled life.
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