I need to confess, I have found myself to be very cynical lately. As someone who usually is full of positivity and one who can see the good in almost anything, that is a really hard place to be.
I've been asking the Lord about this because I don't want to be this way. He gave me the word disillusioned. Oxford languages defines disillusion as "disappointed in someone or something that one discovers to be less good than one had believed" and that is a pretty good description of my inner heart these days.
The pandemic left a residual impact on many of us in many different ways, but for me it was in the church. I saw hearts revealed and undealt with hurt and anger and bitterness and emotional immaturity come spewing out or cloaked in people missing from the pews on Sunday mornings, just gone.
For me, I just felt increasingly hurt by people disappearing with no, or very little, conversation. Even now when I know friends are trying to discern what is for them in this season, I've found myself begging, "If you decide to leave, please just have the conversation with me. Please don't just disappear, leaving me asking myself if something I did offended you. Please honor our friendship with willingness to participate in hard conversations." It's left me trying to navigate social situations without being awkward but full of questions, and made it harder to engage with people in this season. "If I pour time and energy into you and our friendship, will you just leave or disappear or close yourself off?" is a doubtful refrain in my mind.
The Roots of the Reactions
Some of this reaction is my personality.
I'm a 6w7 on the enneagram*, a Confidant and Loyalist, and Crystal Knows has a great page on what that looks like.
For me:
- My basic fear is losing my support system
- My basic desire is to feel safe and supported
- Some strengths: Caring deeply for other people, Honoring promises and commitments
- Some weaknesses: Difficulty reconciling negative emotions, Tendency to doubt themselves and others
These characteristics all come into play.
*I don't believe that the enneagram is a be-all-end-all, but I have found it to be a very helpful tool in growing emotional intelligence.
Some of this reaction is from past experiences.
When I was 16, my parents were involved in church leadership and a very difficult split happened. People I trusted stopped talking to me. Some people spread ugly rumors. I lost a lot of friends. I lost trust in people who claimed to love Jesus. I asked God a lot of questions.
Thankfully, some of these experiences have been resolved, some I've processed, forgiven and moved on from, but some still have thorns in my heart. I often catch myself wondering "When it gets hard, will this person just disappear without a conversation? Are they willing to walk through difficult things in life with me? Is something wrong with me?"
Some of this reaction is from dealing with present triggers.
We've been having a lot of issues with a neighbor and despite multiple attempted conversations, nothing has changed. There is no empathy or thought of others on their part. I cannot fathom just not caring about others, especially when there is effort put forth by the other party. It's been bringing up a rage in me that I'm working on dealing with in my own heart because it has been a distraction from Godly living. (i.e. screaming, and wanting to scream, curse words is definitely a sign that I need a heart check).
I'm watching and walking out disappointments with friends, as they journey through relationship challenges, infertility, and life. I've found myself reading the Psalms of lament and asking God a bunch of questions, mostly involving "why?" or "how do I encourage people in this season?"
Love for the Body of Christ is true in my heart, or else I wouldn't be willing to lead and love within it. However, when difficulties with people come up, it's easier for me to protect my heart by disengaging from community. I hate always having to be the one to bring up hard conversations or wasting time with people who want to constantly complain but not grow.
I'm learning to take all these feelings with a grain of salt. To get back to the root of the issue, and talking frankly with God about how I'm feeling. I'm practicing the art of confession and repentance and to own my own my part in order to keep my heart tender. I'm learning to embrace hard conversations and to daily practice the commandment of forgiveness.
Tools for Navigating Disillusionment and Disappointment
Spend Time with the Lord
Read the Bible, write down questions, ask the Holy Spirit to illuminate truths for you, work on your prayer life.
Find Goodness & Wonder
Just like the importance of continuing to date your spouse when married, I'm learning to fall back in love with the things I'm feeling disillusioned with. To notice the goodness. Two quotes from Shauna Niequist's new book really stuck with me on the topics of practice & wonder.
"Once you train your eyes for tiny glimpses of goodness, you'll get better at seeing them, and you'll see more and more and more. And they'll keep you company and keep your heart tender as you long for daylight." (Niequist, p. 58).
"So what do we do? We pay attention. We accept the world as it is, not as we wish it was. We practice -- we build rhythms of health and faith and grounding, ways of living that allow our best selves to emerge and our worst selves to recede as often as possible. We help each other. And we disciple ourselves to stay on the lookout for signs of hope, for sacred moments and divine fingerprints even in a desolate and quiet landscape - especially in this desolate and quiet landscape" (Niequist, p. 3).
Identify Truths
1. Jesus is worth it.
Going through the Gospels this past year has really reaffirmed my love for Jesus, my "why" for following Him, and my "how" for taking action. I love getting snapshots into
When I find myself drawing close to cynicism, it is often because I haven't made the space to commune with Jesus and get in the Word of God. Our Sisterhood at church just started to do a book study of John and I'm being encouraged all over again revisiting the way of Jesus in the chapters, the way he talked and loved and lived and ministered during his time as a Son of Man on earth.
2. We are called to live in community with other Christ followers.
"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching."- Hebrews 10:24-25
Jesus' first miracle was at a wedding. A celebration. A fairly common event. With his mother and friends and disciples. I'm being reminded of how much of Jesus' life was lived in the daily (and most of it wasn't recorded in the Bible). In community is where we find accountability and growth. We gain support and guidance and encouragement. We get to bring meals after babies and encourage sick friends. We get to lament broken engagements and divorces and hard seasons of loved ones. We get to testify of God's goodness in our lives and embrace our stories and mission.
Romans 12:9-21 -- Christian Ethics
"Let love be without hypocrisy. Detest evil; cling to what is good. Love one another deeply as brothers and sisters. Take the lead in honoring one another. Do not lack diligence in zeal; be fervent in the Spirit; serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope; be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer. Share with the saints in their needs; pursue hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud; instead, associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Give careful thought to do what is honorable in everyone’s eyes. If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for God’s wrath, because it is written, Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord. But If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head. Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good."
3. Spiritual maturity and emotional maturity go hand in hand.
“Christian spirituality, without an integration of emotional health, can be deadly – to yourself, your relationship with God, and the people around you.” — Peter Scazzero (Emotionally Healthy Spirituality).
Work on Emotional Maturity
- Have the hard conversations with friends, family, and people you are in community with
- Leave well - If you are going to leave a church/organization, etc., openly talk to people you are in relationship with. Talk to the leaders honestly, without giving cop-outs. Allow dialogue. The way you leave one season determines how you enter the next.
- Deal with hurts - We all get them and cause them. Communicate and apologize when needed.
- Learn how to set healthy boundaries. (I'll give you a clue - "cutting toxic people out" isn't always a healthy boundary if you never gave them the benefit of a conversation).
- Practice clear communication.
- Create healthy spaces for friendships.
- Learn how to walk along side and encourage people who you disagree on topics with (Carlos Whittaker has some great ideas on this!)
Dive Into Recommended Resources
Books
- Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Pete Scazzero
- The Deeply Formed Life by Rich Villodas
- I Guess I Haven't Learned That Yet by Shauna Niequist
- Liturgy of the Ordinary and A Prayer in the Night by Tish Harrison Warren
- Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
- Love Does by Bob Goff
- Aggressively Happy by Joy Clarkson
- Being with God by AJ Sherrill
Podcasts
- Verity
- Girls Night with Stephanie May Wilson
- A Drink with A Friend
- The Next Right Thing
- The Eternal Current
- Speaking with Joy
- Unlocking Us
- Human Hope
I still have a lot of work to do to get rid of cynicism and disillusionment in my heart, but the sun is slowly dissipating the fog. I'll leave you with a quote I read on Phylicia Masonheimer's Instagram stories yesterday and it is a beautiful truth and challenge reminder.
"It takes daily meeting with the Lord, truly allowing the Holy Spirit to minister to me, to heal and grow and remain/become emotionally healthy in the face of these things. But you know what? I also expect a church full of fallen people to hurt me. I expect it. And I also expect, based on 1 Cor 13, that I'll have to bear and believe and hope and endure because that is what Jesus did for me. So I do. When it hurts...I show up here again. Because he loved me, I love you. And that's dang hard." - Phylicia Masonheimer
May we forgive and love those around us.
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