To My Jael

The stretch marks on my belly have mostly faded as the stretch marks on my heart proliferate daily. The excitement at fitting back into my pre-pregnancy jeans pales in comparison to seeing Jael grow and change each month. Board books and toys have relegated several stacks of well-loved books on my bookshelves to basement dwellers. The floor is always stickier than I would like, but the sticky kisses are life-giving.

Between Mother's Day and Jael's first birthday this past week, I feel like a giant puddle of mush at this motherhood life. It's been one of the most incredible, grace-filled journeys to me, and although I am far from perfect, I feel like I'm finally in my own skin. It's high time I write a letter to my girl. 

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Dear Jael, 

I will never forget looking at you for the first time and sliding the umbilical cord out of the way to see that you were a little girl. "You're a girl! Hi Jael!" I announced, shocked. But like I tell many people, God knows what we need and the timing of when we need it, and I needed a daughter first. I needed YOU first.

It makes me laugh that I ever thought you were a boy during my pregnancy because all the signs pointed to Jael Lorraine joining our family. It was in the words I whispered over you as I prayed and worshiped throughout my pregnancy. It was in the strong foot kicks I'd feel on the right side, even now, your moving feet eliciting comments from strangers and stomping to music, constantly living up to your name meaning of "wild mountain goat." It was in the way I had to pick up my sword and learn to fight fear and expectations. Your middle name means "warrior" and I had to learn how to model that well for you. 

An internet man said "That's not the definition we want to show of Biblical womanhood" on an internet post about the Biblical story of Jael this week. As for me, I strongly disagree. That's exactly what we want Biblical womanhood to be - hospitality and obedience, a drive to protect the ones we love and to do incredibly hard things, to be bold in the face of cowardice. In the daily glimpses of your personality, I observe that you are already displaying these characteristics. 

And while I love your fierce side and am always asking the Lord to help me guide that and not shut it down, I never want to overlook your tender heart either. Tenderness and fierceness do not negate each other, instead when used discerningly in the proper times, they protect and propel and nurture -- a hand-holding of "Wise as a serpent, gentle as a dove." 

You love when Mama and Daddy whisper in your ear and when Mama says, "un beso?" You tilt your cheek in for a kiss. Even now, you love people. Your little hands waving to everyone you see; your toothy grin indiscriminately bestowed on those around you; your little "hi!" melting hearts; your big brown eyes, watching, watching, watching. When you see your friends, you love bowing your head and touching foreheads with them. The other day you picked up your baby doll and put her in your car seat - nurturing is in your nature. 

Your curiosity for the world around you reminds me of the importance of child-like wonder every day. It's a wonderful gift to see the beauty in the ordinary and to foster a deep fascination for how things work. You love to play hide and seek and instantly look at the basement door when you hear Daddy getting home, waiting with a big smile.

Jael, you're a gift. There is no doubt about it. I love being a girl mom to you and have had so much fun this first year with you! You are exactly what Daddy and I needed as we learn how to parent, build a more cohesive marriage, and create a strong family team.

I pray the scriptures and prayers I speak over you at night burrow deep into your soul. That you feel the love of the Father all your waking and sleeping hours.

Jael, my mountain goat girl, you are loved beyond measure. Stay fierce and sassy and silly and curious, dear one! Keep your heart tender and your gaze on Jesus.

Love,

Mama